The Toypocalypse: How My Dog Ate My Favorite Dildo

Have you ever seen the inside of a Tantus O2 Revolution? It’s a dual density dildo, so although the outside is detailed with soft, milky-colored silicone veins, the core is a uniform cylinder of harder silicone. It’s pretty interesting. Although, it would have been far more interesting to me if the rest of my O2 Revolution wasn’t resting in tiny pieces in a mixing bowl on my kitchen counter…

O2_Revolution

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My partner and I were together for 4 1/2 year. And 4 1/2 years surmounts a lot of sex toys.
The fist time she asked me if I wanted to try using a strap-on, her eyes widened, shocked, at the enthusiasm in my “YES!” Neither of us had ever used any kind of sex toy, so we got our first harness and dildo, giggling as we browsed online shops together.
That first dildo was a disaster: a pearly, white, unfortunately-bent, hunk of hard silicone known as the Tantus Squirt [oh, how my relationship with Tantus has changed haha]. But from there, we learned what was best for us, and by the end of our relationship, we had accumulated a proud collection of sex toys.

During those 4 1/2 years, we also accumulated an apartment together, a joint bank account, and a dog. That dog, an adorable little puggle named Cocoa, is the very thing that brought upon the day known as the “Toypocalypse”.

revscream3It all started with a frantic call from my partner telling me not to be upset, but that something had “happened”.
“WHAT!? What is it!?”
“Cocoa…”
“Oh my god, is Cocoa okay!?”
“Cocoa… … Cocoa got into the sex toys.”
“… …what?”
“… Cocoa ate the dildos.”
In that instant, I climbed to a mountain top, fell to my knees and cried out, “NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!” [Possible dramatization]

The night of the Toypocalypse, I was out with friends and my partner was at work. Cocoa, like the mischievous little jerk-nugget she is, got into a bin of toys that I thought was tucked safely under the bed…  I was wrong.
There were teeth marks in anything and everything silicone: hundreds of dollars worth of dildos, pounds of gorgeously crafted pure silicone, mauled.
And the piece de resistance… my favorite dildo, the Tantus 02 Revolution, was completely destroyed, down to its hard blue core. The soft silicone was in crumbles.
That is, what was left of it was in crumbles. The rest of the Revolution was making its way through Cocoa’s digestive tract, allowing me to see pieces of my beloved dildo every day for a week… in her poop.

The Revolution was the perfect shape, size, texture, color… perfect! The only complaint I had about the Revolution was the fact that its poor base-to-weight ratio made it almost impossible to successfully use in a strap-on harness… but otherwise, the Revolution could do no wrong. But that night, I had to lay my Revolution to rest in the garbage can after each small piece of its silicone flesh was collected from the floor and put into a bowl. This ceremonial disposal was accompanied by a short eulogy along the lines of, “You were a tremendous dildo. Rest in pieces you beautiful cock.”

revlevel

We eventually replaced that first O2 Revolution when my partner had the money, and that blue beauty is still alive and well… in her sex toy drawer. That’s the thing about break ups, sex toys are no exception when it comes to custody, and since art school doesn’t pay for sex toys, she rightfully had claim to nearly all of the collection.
I’ve been slowly rebuilding my arsenal since, and I finally purchased the dildo of my dreams and memories, just before this message took its place on the Tantus website.
Welcome back to my life Tantus O2 Revolution! You’ve been missed, and since my ex also got the dog, I can assure you that you will not be chewed up and pooped out like your predecessor.

I didn’t want to put up a full review of the Tantus O2 Revolution because it has been discontinued, but you can still get the single-density version, the Goliath. Or, try Tantus’ collection of other O2 dual-density options.

WOAH, hold up! For a limited time, Tantus has brought back the Revolution, so GO TO THERE to feel my joy! They sold out within a day! There are still more vintage toys at killer prices though, including other O2s!

4 thoughts on “The Toypocalypse: How My Dog Ate My Favorite Dildo

  1. A part of me has always been sad that I’ll never know the joys of owning a dog (despite my plans to purchase multiple cats). With this post, that mourning has ceased. 🙂
    The Toypocalypse is rightfully named and breaking up after 4.5yrs has to lead to some sort of custody battle. Glad you replaced your Revolution. May your current collection live long and prosper!

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  4. Oh wow. My cat for awhile had a terrible cord chewing habit and killed my first Hitachi that way. People are often in awe of the “my cat killed my sex toy” but that story does not hold a candle to yours. Wow.

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