Review: Clone-A-Pussy Chocolate Kit

Tell Me How You Really Feel
After venting my snark about the misleading packaging and coming to peace the Clone-a-Pussy’s novelty-factor (suitable for a matching custom shirts and penis-tiara Bachelorette Party), I ended up really enjoying seeing my vulva from a new perspective and then, of course, eating it (definitely not in the sensual way the packaging implies, unless you find indiscriminately shoving candy into my face while engrossed in a House of Cards marathon sensual… then, hell yes).

The Good, The Bad, And The Feeling of Cold Pudding on My Crotch
I decided to review the Clone-a-Pussy Chocolate Kit, a kit that helps you cast a milk chocolate replica of your external genitals, because of an inexplicable attraction to its novelty. Despite the intensely awkward process of sitting in a cup of cold goop and my mold having a lot of air bubbles that gave my chocolate vulva disconcertingly bumpy labia, I would do again. Certainly not for the “HOT SEXY FUN” partner-activity they try to sell you on the packaging because… HA! nothing about this process made me feel or look sexy (although, this would be hilarious to experience with someone else). I could give an in-depth play-by-play of my process that would undoubtedly confirm that, but I’ll leave you with this short description and your imagination:

Materials: the box includes the molding powder, “molding container” aka crotch scoop, chocolate, and a stir stick that seems unnecessary since they tell you to mix everything with a spatula. They ask you to provide a mixing bowl, spatula/spoon, measuring cup for the water, a cup (but the instructions don’t detail when/how to use it, so maybe just mix yourself a drink to ease the embarrassment of the proceeding steps), some way to melt the chocolate, and a freezer.

  1. Mix the molding powder with the water.
  2. Pour the pudding-like mixture into the crotch scoop.
  3. Sit on the edge of a chair (not over your toilet where the mold mixture can fall and coagulate and you have to shovel it out with your hands fearing it will clog… not that I did that…).
  4. Cup the scoop around your genitals so they’re submerged in the clone-a-pussy pudding mix (the mix is going to spill, so if you have forethought unlike some people who are telling you this now, you will have laid down an old towel or garbage bag on the floor).
  5. Wait steadily while the mold dries- roughly as long as it takes for you to wish you were doing this with a partner so their wrist was cramping instead of yours.

Once that’s all set, you’ve got a spongy-looking negative of your crotch, save a little smooshed and lumpy. I was surprised to find that even with all my wiggling and adjusting and toilet panic, I had a detailed and fairly accurate mold, despite my clitoral hood being pushed back and lips spread. I was also slightly paranoid that my pubic hair (grown out for a few weeks) would be forever encased in the mold and I’d have to trim myself free, but it released easily, pubes fully intact.

Now, chocolate! This part was the easiest: you just melt the chocolate wafers, fill the mold up, and freeze it. I had enough chocolate to refill the mold a second time, but even after one casting, the mold started peeling, so the second was less detailed. This is due to the Alginate the mold is made from: a material derived from angae that is latex free and food and skin safe. However, it’s not durable or lasting like a silicone mold, and you have to keep it in the freezer or it will dehydrate and resemble a shriveled sponge. Before your mold crusts up though, you could take Clone-a-Pussy’s suggestions and make some highly personalized ice, soap, or candles. Part of me laughs at all of these because the instructions, unsurprisingly, try to make them sound like uber sexy activities, but the other part of me really wants a garden of anatomical vulva candles.

Also something to note: it’s called the “clone-a-pussy” but you can almost “clone” any external body part that will fit into the 2.5″ x 4.25″ scoop. And I specify external because seriously, don’t use this inside your body, no matter what the misleading instructions say about duplicating your “vagina.”

If You Read Nothing Else
This is not a high-quality method for casting one’s body parts, but the Chocolate Clone-a-Pussy is simple, and the amusement of snarkily commenting on the goldmine instructions then feeling the bruise of karma as I attempted said instructions, did not disappoint. Also, this kit is clearly not for everyone: it literally and figuratively puts your genitals in a tiny box, but if your parts fit and you want an edible likeness of them, I have to admit it was pretty cool looking face to crotch at a chocolate version of my vulva. That’s what sold me on this kit, seeing my vulva in a way I would never have if I hadn’t thought “that is so fantastically cheesy, I must try it!”

Thank you to Uberkinky for sending me the Clone-a-Pussy Chocolate Kit for free in exchange for an honest and unbiased review!

3 thoughts on “Review: Clone-A-Pussy Chocolate Kit

  1. LOL @ “crotch scoop.” Once upon a time back in my goth days as a pre-teen, I was reading an old book on occult love spells, and one suggestion was to bake a loaf of bread with a print of your vulva on it, and feed it to the soon-to-be-swooning target of your spell. This reminded me of that.

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *