Crash Pad Series: A Porn Adventure

Before I had access to even one gloved fisting or Magic Wand orgasm, my relationship with the Crash Pad Series put me well within the description of fangirl: I watched the episode trailers, read the blog, followed on social media, knew the performers by heart… I even had a pin on my backpack (custom made by an awesome friend) of Dallas and Syd #crashpadcreep. The Crash Pad Series was the first queer porn site I saw that was creative, positive, inclusive, diverse, and approachable. Yeah, that’s a lot to ask- I set my standards high, and after gaining access past the homepage, I was not disappointed.

Crash Pad Series is not a one stop porn grocery store where everything is sorted into easy-to-find categories** like bread and produce and anal. Instead, you have to engage in the site in order to find what looks or sounds interesting. Because of this, I developed a method of navigating Crash Pad based on the sciences of intuition and eany-meany-miney-mo:

1. Pick a random page in the “all episodes” section
2. Scroll through until something looks interesting
3. Watch! (and judge)
4. Pick a favorite performer from the episode
5. Go to that performer’s page and pick another video of theirs
6. Repeats steps 3-5 for an indeterminable amount of time/orgasms

It’s like a Crash Pad performer game of War or, as I imagine it in my mind, a wild-west style porn duel. This method is not for everyone and sometimes it’s not for me: sometimes I want to look up “rim job” and be greeted with a selection of ass eating videos, but labeling porn for the purpose of searchability can be tricky and problematic, so I thought I’d narrate one of my adventures through the Crash Pad Series in a speed-dating-esque review.

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Review: Clone-A-Pussy Chocolate Kit

Tell Me How You Really Feel
After venting my snark about the misleading packaging and coming to peace the Clone-a-Pussy’s novelty-factor (suitable for a matching custom shirts and penis-tiara Bachelorette Party), I ended up really enjoying seeing my vulva from a new perspective and then, of course, eating it (definitely not in the sensual way the packaging implies, unless you find indiscriminately shoving candy into my face while engrossed in a House of Cards marathon sensual… then, hell yes).

The Good, The Bad, And The Feeling of Cold Pudding on My Crotch
I decided to review the Clone-a-Pussy Chocolate Kit, a kit that helps you cast a milk chocolate replica of your external genitals, because of an inexplicable attraction to its novelty. Despite the intensely awkward process of sitting in a cup of cold goop and my mold having a lot of air bubbles that gave my chocolate vulva disconcertingly bumpy labia, I would do again. Certainly not for the “HOT SEXY FUN” partner-activity they try to sell you on the packaging because… HA! nothing about this process made me feel or look sexy (although, this would be hilarious to experience with someone else). I could give an in-depth play-by-play of my process that would undoubtedly confirm that, but I’ll leave you with this short description and your imagination:

Materials: the box includes the molding powder, “molding container” aka crotch scoop, chocolate, and a stir stick that seems unnecessary since they tell you to mix everything with a spatula. They ask you to provide a mixing bowl, spatula/spoon, measuring cup for the water, a cup (but the instructions don’t detail when/how to use it, so maybe just mix yourself a drink to ease the embarrassment of the proceeding steps), some way to melt the chocolate, and a freezer.

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Review: Lovelife Flex Kegel Exercisers

Tell Me How You Really Feel
The OhMiBod Lovelife Flex kegel set is adorable, but my vagina is not as easily persuaded by cute things as I am. I really wanted to like the Flex kegel set, but I either felt absolutely nothing or like I was carrying a boulder in my vagina. As a lazy kegeler, I like vaginal weights that gently remind my PC muscles to get their shit together and while I love the idea of a set of cute kegel exercisers to progressively train my PC muscles to have more control and strength, this wasn’t the right set for me.

The Basics
– Material: Silicone
– 3 different weights/sizes
– (1) “Beginner”: 35g weight, 1.4″ diameter
– (2) “Intermediate”: 45g weight, 1.1″ diameter
– (3) “Expert”: 85g weight, 1.1″ diameter

The Good, The Bad, and The Too Cute to be True
I really like the design of the Flex kegel exercisers: the packaging is cute as hell and great for storage, they’re easy to insert and remove, and they’re durable [I furiously stretched each sting in the name of quality testing]. Plus, they’re made of smooth, seamless, silicone (including the cord) that doesn’t attract a holy crap-ton of dust and doesn’t drag [magic!]. Minus the raised writing on each weight which gets crusty if I don’t run my nail over it to remove any excess body fluid, they’re easy to clean with soap and water.

OhMiBod did a strange thing with the Flex though, they made one weight free-moving and the other two solid. Personally, I love rolly weights because they do the work for me: I just jiggle around and let my PC muscles contract as they see fit. Solid weights are better for people who already have an established kegel routine and want to add weight, but that’s not me. I’m the kind of person who does three kegels, gets distracted, then forgets about them for another two months.
When I asked OhMiBod about this choice, they said that since some people prefer one and others prefer the other, they wanted to include both weight types. It also allows the weights to be smaller by making them solid, which adds to the challenge level. Personally, I prefer a kit that’s more uniform because all the variances [bigger/smaller, “rolling”/solid, light/really fucking heavy] make for a not-so-graceful kegel training.

3(1) “Beginner” (35g)- I can’t help but compare this weight to the reigning kegel ball champ- the Lelo Luna Beads. They both have a free weight inside an outer shell and they are the same diameter/ about the same weight. So as I jiggled around my apartment, creatively reinterpreting a Shakira music video, I was saddened to feel… nothing. By that point, I would have been plotting my next masturbation session with the Luna Beads [they’re like little magical kegel orbs with the ability to make me horny as hell]. But, no matter how cute, it’s much easier for a sphere to roll around inside another sphere than a heart/cherry shape [Damn adorable design, attracting me only to let me down! *shakes fist*].

1(2) “Intermediate” (45g)-  I would label this weight as my “beginning beginner.” It didn’t take any noticeable effort to hold in place but every once in a while I became aware of a slight heaviness inside me. For the sake of review, I set up a short term kegel regimen with this weight for a few hours each day, and by the end of the week, I was just bored. “Do you even lift brah?” So I casually thought, maybe it’s time to move up to the last weight…

2(3) “Expert” (85g)- Plot twist! This last weight made me feel like I pushed my vagina into the deep end and yelled, “Kegel if you want to survive!” All I could think while clenching around these weights was “don’t fart, don’t fart, don’t fart…” because if my muscles did anything other than hold onto them, there would have been heart-shaped kegel balls dropping down my pant leg [Helpful tip: heavy kegel balls and commando are not a great combination unless you’re in a space where potentially birthing kegel balls is okay with you].

Closing Statement
The Lovelife Flex set of kegel exercisers is well designed, but I like it more for its looks than its functionality. I was expecting a set of kegel exercisers that would gradually build up PC muscle strength, but there’s no transition from contemplating if the kegel ball ceases to exist after it enters my body and feeling like I just sneezed with a two-pound tampon in my vagina. Of course, each person will respond to these differently, but with my lazy kegeling vagina and no perfect exerciser for my capabilites, these aren’t for me.

A huge thank you to Good Vibrations for sending me the Lovelife Flex Kegel Exercisers in exchange for a fair and unbiased review.