I decided to jump on the trend and compile a short list of sex toys for Halloween.
But I’m not talking about orange and black wrist cuffs and sparkly vampire dicks [though I have no lack of love for sparkly things], I’m talking about toys you can put at the center of your pentagram and make a sacrifice to the spirits for. So let’s get scary and weird up in here!
First, is a new discovery I made while compiling this list. It involves a key word I did not know would ever grace my search bar: dildoll. Although not a lot of things give me the creeps, dolls fucking creep me out! If you thought Chucky or that ventriloquist doll from Dead Silence was creepy, they’ve got nothing on the “dildolls” from Kil Studios. Kil Studios makes gorgeously terrifying ceramic dolls, and through their Etsy shop, LaTeeFah Dolls , you can buy these functional dildolls to get yourself off as you summon the spirits of Victorian era murderesses… or whatever else soothes your sick soul.
Etsy is also where I discovered this next toy, the Zombi by Necronomicox. I’ve known Necronomicox for their beautiful silicone Mythos dildos, so when looking for inspiration for this post, I visited their site and found this disturbing gem: an oozing, rotting zombie-inspired dildo. So, if you have fantasies about a zombie apocalypse where instead of brains, everybody wants sex, or maybe you’ve just always been curious about what’s in the pants of decaying, reanimated corpses [not something I’ve thought about until now],whatever it is, now you know that you can buy a zombie-cock, so you’re welcome.
Dolls, zombies, and now the fallen angel himself, Satan. If you can’t find any reliquary dildos to accompany your latest church-sex adventure, Divine Interventions is likely your next best option. You don’t have to use this toy as just a dildo, the description on the website suggests that you actually overthrow Satan through sex with the silicone Devil dildo. They summon you to “Kegelize the Prince of Darkness into submission! Put him where the sun don’t shine til he accedes that you’re the Master of the Universe!” So if you were still looking for Halloween plans, there ya go!
People get pretty creative with dildos, but holidays bring out the worst in vibrators. Everyone seems to want to make vibrators in any and every themed shape possible! The “Death by Orgasm” line of vibrators on LoveHoney is probably the most successful of the Halloween-adjacent vibes I’ve seen, especially the “Vampire Bride” and the “Scorpion.” Maybe it’s the little coffin storage boxes or maybe it’s just the fact that they’re not shaped like pumpkins or pieces of candy, but I find them charming. Although, the scorpion bullet is not something I’d want near my body [I’d sooner take the dildoll over any vibrator that looks like an insect]. I did come up with a couple uses for it though: you could use it to play a prank on someone and then have a celebratory masturbation session, or get a bunch of them to reenact the scorpion-pit death scene from The Mummy. Tis the season!
I hope you have a weird, sexy, and safe Halloween! Slather on the fake blood and glitter and reward all your masturbatory exercise with candy.
Both “Dildoll” images from www.kilstudios.com
“Zombi” image from www.etsy.com/shop/Necronomicox
Devil dildo image from www.divine-interventions.com
Scorpion vibrator image from www.drugstore.com